Where I'm up to with all this.

I'm actually surprisingly okay with it all.

I understand that its not fair, but there's absolutely nothing to be gained by railing against it, or becoming despondent. In fact, both of these reactions could actively harm me.
I do have not-so-good days and better days. On the not-so-good days, I find myself being a little grumpy with those around me, but they forgive me for it. I try not to abuse the priviledge!! On the good days, I'm supportive of those around me, explain what's happening in a strong voice (its getting easier) and wax philosophical about life (and death and dying). On these days, everybody is very impressed with me, and mostly so am I!

I (we) have determined that we are going to fight this thing all the way. There are three main elements to the battle at the moment, at least as I see it. First "Shock and Awe" (surgery) is not an option for me, so I have to take charge of those things I can control: emotional and physical health. So, to those ends I have consulted a nutritionist to make sure that my weight doesn't drop too much (I haven't mentioned that I've lost 5 kilos, mostly in the first two weeks), a personal trainer to get a program that will build my core strength and make me as strong as possible for whatever surgery and chemo happens, and a meditation master, because whoever does well in fighting cancer almost always puts it down to inner strength and resolve, and many have done meditation. I have also put my name down for the June live-in program at the Gawler Foundation. We'll see if that suits my schedule. Gawler's story is a powerful one.

So, my Big Rocks at the moment are: two hours of exercise a day, including a one hour early morning walk with Oskar the Dog, three half hour sessions of meditation a day (I generally get in two of them), and about five small meals. While I understand that I also need the intellectual stimulation that work will give me, in this waiting period I'm not as up for it as I would have hoped!